Whatever (subject warning: talk of suicidal ideations)

I had planned on writing about depression in general, but that is going to have to wait. I don’t have the energy.

This was going to be a completely different post, but I can’t think over the noise of my pain level and despair today. I am not what a mental health professional would consider to be suicidal or a danger to myself, but I do sometimes have those thoughts. Today is one of those days. It’s not that I want to die. I absolutely do not. It’s that the only relief from the pain I am experiencing today would be death. It’s just that high, complex, and constant. I am exhausted with all of this. While I am in no danger of harming myself, death is pretty much all that is on my mind today. I know that it will pass. Maybe by tonight, but most likely tomorrow. I just have to ride it out.

That is how I am feeling today. I needed to get it outside of me. I am not weak. I’m just struggling today, and I’m not ashamed of it.

If there were less stigma on feelings like this and people felt more able to reach out for support, there’d probably be less self harm and suicide. If you are reading this and you are struggling for whatever reason, please talk to someone–anyone.

Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255, in case what you are feeling doesn’t seem like it’s going to pass.

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